The Rylan Report.
My roommate, Rylan Jiminez.
Weekly updates on my roommate, Rylan. These stories originally appeared in my newsletter, “Morning, Trojan.”
Oct. 22, 2022
Please give Rylan thumbs up for: washing his hands. Most of the time. 👍
Thumbs down for: Casually mentioning the other day that he’s accumulated a total of three parking tickets this semester. This is after I warned him that he really maybe shouldn’t park in a structure that he doesn’t have a permit for. “Nah, they won’t even check, they’re chill,” he said at the time. Well, check they did. Apparently the tickets are for a mix of improperly displaying the permit and failing to display the permit in the first place. “Such a stupid rule,” he said. 👎
Thumbs up for: I haven’t heard of that OnlyFans venture in a while, which I’m assuming means either (a) it’s no longer happening or (b) he’s gotten smart enough to keep his mouth shut lest it end up again in the next Rylan Report. Honestly, I’m fine either way. 👍
Thumbs down for: Leaving his dirty yogurt spoons in the sink for me to wash. 👎
Thumbs up for: Brushing his teeth — this one actually isn’t sarcastic at all, surprisingly. The man will stand over the sink for, I kid you not, five minutes every morning and night just brushing his teeth. (I’ve timed it.) I wondered whether the duration of tooth brushing correlates with whether or not he’s seeing his girlfriend that day, but it doesn’t at all. (I graphed it.) Nice work Rylan. 👍
Oct. 8, 2022
In the time since the last of these updates, Rylan has made some serious strides that I would like to commend. Please join me in congratulating Rylan for:
Drinking water out of a glass. Previously, he had been drinking solely from the pallet of plastic water bottles that his mom got him on move-in day. I was pretty sure he would die of thirst once those bottles ran out — lest he have to actually wash a glass in the sink after drinking out of it. But he proved me wrong. (Usually he just leaves his dirty dishes in the sink for me to wash, but I figure I’m saving a life so I don’t mind.)
Flushing the toilet. I won’t elaborate.
Taking the kitchen trash out on Wednesdays. I’ve actually been seriously impressed by this. He usually forgets to put a new trash bag in the can, but baby steps. A while back he even helped me clean the apartment on the weekend. Nice work, Rylan.
Sept. 10, 2022
Rylan is starting a marketing agency for girls on OnlyFans. He’s doing this with my other buddy Ian, who’s apparently the genius who came up with this idea.
I know you have questions; I do too. But adding any more to this will only lend further legitimacy to this idea, and I am not willing to do that.
Also, it turns out that the paper plate from last week was a Lunchable that Rylan microwaved.
Sept. 3, 2022
Tuesday, 7:53a: Alert! 🚨 Rylan ate something other than a Smucker’s Uncrustable frozen sandwich for the first time since move-in day. It was a Lunchable.
Thursday, 3:54p: I found a discarded paper plate in the kitchen trash that appears to have the remnants of a cooked meal… it’s not mine. Here’s a quick look into my investigation:
Did Rylan cook this meal? I don’t think he knows where the pans, knives and cooking oils are in the kitchen. So no.
Maybe Rylan reheated leftovers? I think he does know how to operate the microwave — so this is plausible. But the only leftover in the fridge was the lunch I made yesterday, and it doesn’t appear to have been touched.
In conclusion: Occam’s razor might suggest that Rylan did in fact cook something, but my gut is telling me it’s more likely that aliens broke into our apartment, snooped around, cooked a meal, cleaned up, then went back to Mars in a shining UFO.
Friday, 10:38a: Rylan only has one Uncrustable left in the freezer. I don’t know how he’s going to subsist after this. I’m pretty sure his mom got both the Uncrustables and the Lunchables for him on move-in day, so I’m not sure if he knows where, how and when to get more for himself.
